christina \ queer \ chicago \ 20

does anyone else ever get an overwhelming desire to eat someone out or is that just me

i really do think this program was the right fit. i’m not sure if the LGBT program that starts in a few weeks would be a better fit; as right now everyone’s around my age and pretty relatable. i am looking forward to my next sessions.

i’m so nervous about my appointment today because i’m not feeling good. it’s so hard to even get ready in the morning; which a long time ago would have seemed ridiculous because it’s 2:15 pm and i’m still lying in my bed in my clothes from yesterday after crying on the phone with my mom like i do every day.

i just hope that this helps because i don’t know what else to fucking do to not feel like this anymore. I don’t know how to mourn the loss of something I was never ready to give up. I don’t know how to mourn the loss of my grandma. I don’t know how to mourn the loss of my mental state. 

There’s just so many things I will never understand.

Every goddamn doctor keeps telling me they’re proud of me for reaching out but to me I feel like there’s nothing to be proud of. There’s nothing more embarrassing than admitting that you had been thinking i don’t want to be alive anymore and there’s no point to anything and i just want it to all be over to your mother on the phone then a stranger on the phone then your therapist on the phone then a doctor you don’t know then another nurse you don’t know then another doctor you don’t know then your doctor you do know. 

Please let this heal me. I just want to be able to get dressed in the morning again and eat regularly and shower every day and feel okay enough to put in any effort into making any new friends when i don’t even know how to do it when i’m not feeling like this. I hate depression. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that everyone keeps telling me the medication will help. How do they know that? How do they know that it will even help me at all to change my medication? How could anyone know what will work best for my fucked up brain? I can’t even handle something everyone goes through in their life like a normal fucking person without turning into a suicidal freak that can’t get out of bed in the morning. What the fuck is so wrong with me.

"   Missing you comes in waves. Tonight I’m drowning.   "
Hannah Taylor (via bl-ossomed)