christina \ queer \ chicago \ 20

it’s so hard because i feel like i don’t have any friends here. before, i was always doing something because she was surrounded by people; hell, it even felt like i was friends with them too. but now, i have no one. i sit in my fucking apartment all day by myself waiting until the day i go to work. i keep crying whenever i get lonely; i miss them but i miss her so much that it’s so unbearable. i miss everything we did together. i don’t know what to do being alone here. what is there to even ever look forward to?

i miss her so fucking much; being back here is torture knowing that i don’t even get to see her. there’s not been much of a point to this summer after all of this has happened. i don’t really have anything to look forward to. what do you do when you can’t see your best friend? what the fuck do you do with yourself? i just want to talk to her and smoke with her and touch her. just touch her again.

i have mixed feelings about returning to chicago in the morning. on one hand i know i have to go back to my responsibilities and my therapist appointment tomorrow afternoon, but at the same time i feel guilty for running away from my problems by coming home so much. but there’s not much else i can do when my entire apartment triggers me into thinking about her because she helped me not only move in and arrange all of my things but help me find it in the first place. i don’t know what to do when my home feels like a cage and i feel like crying whenever i go there.

i miss her so much that it’s unbearable. i miss the feeling of her skin against my hips and the sound of her laugh while she runs her fingers through my hair, me twisting her curls tightly as i grab her closer

whispering out of breath i love you wrapping my ankles around her feet gasping for air because it is 95.7 degrees without air conditioning—i cannot breathe when you are here but i cannot breathe with you gone because now there is no one to tell my secrets to 

i hear your voice now but it is different than it is before, scarred vocal chords afraid to say everything they said before and phone calls don’t mean the same thing they used to; choking back the routine of saying i love you before one of us hangs up

that night was one of the first times that i hung up first; before i was always afraid to say goodbye whereas now i know i have to or else i hear the deafening noise of her silence. i don’t know how to feel without her in my life, there is an aching in my chest because she is my best fucking friend and all i want is for her to hold me in her arms as we silently fall asleep. every time we were together i was so happy; i waited 6 weeks for her to come back and we talked every single day. and not too long after that i lost everything that i had.

i never took it for granted, but now i feel so lonely. my heart aches for her and for nothing else, nothing but to hear her voice in my ear again and to feel her hand in mine. i’m not sure when it will stop hurting. i’m not sure exactly how she feels. i know she cares but it so fucking hard to see her living her life without me. i miss her voice telling me everything is going to be okay. it even hurts that she unfollowed me on instagram—i checked today and her name isn’t there anymore. i just don’t understand the reason behind any of this. i didn’t even know. something about the fact that she doesn’t even see the pictures i post anymore makes me feel even more disconnected.

Will it ever be okay again?

"   Your kiss feels like home and I’m so fucking homesick.   "
(via lovesthecure)