christina \ queer \ chicago \ 20

Someone posted in a group on Facebook about a joke about a party they were having. For some reason it hurt when I saw that. Because there’s only about 10 people in the group, and I saw it but didn’t get invited. Why would I, though, I guess. Without being with her there’s no reason to invite me. And it would probably just not go well. But there’s that small irrational part of my brain that can’t help but be jealous—I miss hanging out with her, but i also miss doing things with all of them. I wish it was a time already where I could go back to that. I always had such a good time..it just hurts right now that I can’t even be considered a part of any of this because we broke up. I want my healing time to be over. I want to spend my summer DOING things. I consider them my friends and I hate that I can’t be a part of any of this until I can be around her again.

Why does everything have to take so much time when time is so limited in our lives? I just want to spend time with people I enjoy and I’m not fucking allowed. It’s so hard going from all of that to nothing. I’m sitting in a park alone right now distracting myself from being locked in my room when I would rather be surrounded with people I know. But no one here can even have as me a part of anything until I feel better about all of this enough to have a friendship with her again…

I’m back here in my room and it hasn’t even been 5 minutes and I already hate it. I’m fucking crying because everything about this room reminds me of her; she helped me put everything back together, helped me decorate, helped me put up a closet. The worst part is the note I forgot was on my bulletin board. I wish more than anything in this whole fucking world that it was still true.

I love you more than anything.

My mom took me to target a little while ago. It helped a little bit to just walk around for longer than we usually do. We ended up actually smelling candles for a long time talking about how horribly over-scented they were until we found a brand that we both liked. Being home made me realize that I actually really miss living in Michigan sometimes, and being closer to my family. I didn’t visit home enough over this school year, I feel like.

I would give anything just to hold her or kiss her again. I don’t even fucking care about a relationship anymore. I just want to hold her in my arms and have someone I can talk to about anything. That is what we had. It made me so fucking happy every time we kissed. I feel like I’m fucking mourning for what is lost; the trust and happiness that I had is just gone. I don’t fucking care about forever, I don’t fucking care about lifelong commitment. I’m 20 years old and all I wanted was what we had. Someone to share good times with, someone to spend my lonely nights with, someone to help me enjoy life. Nothing I do can bring it back and I don’t know why. I felt so complete that day that I saw her again, I don’t understand how it was a fucking mistake if it was what we both felt in that moment, doing what our minds felt. I don’t know how to handle any of the things I feel. I had to go home just to try and make myself feel any better after having the most awful birthday I’ve ever had, here at least I have my mom to take care of me. But I hate that she sees me hurting. I don’t know how to fall out of love…I don’t want to give this up…what the fuck are you supposed to do when this happens? What happens to everything that we were supposed to do together? Am I just supposed to forget everything? What makes this happen? Are they not attracted to me anymore? She was the only person that ever really made me believe that I was beautiful. It help me let go of my insecurities. What the Fuck did I do to feel this pain?

Right before I woke up I had a dream where I was kissing her. I woke up and felt like I was going to throw up when I realized it would never happen again. How does someone tell you that it would only be you that would ever leave and then one day just change their mind? How does someone say they don’t want things to be different, give them time to think and then it’s just all fucking over? I said I didn’t want to be with anyone else, they said “that’s not what this is.” Except that’s exactly what it fucking was. How does someone hold you like that, tell you they miss how you smell and kiss you like that and then say it was all a mistake? Everything about it felt okay to me. I just don’t fucking understand how to heal from the pain I’m feeling. I hate that every morning I wake up and as soon as I realize reality my whole body hurts, my stomach churns and tears well up in my eyes. I don’t WANT to be with anyone else. I don’t know what to fucking do.

I don’t know where else to write any of this. I just know that when I write my feelings down it help somewhat to sort out my feelings. I haven’t ever felt as alone as I do right now. I know that there’s people that love me, I know my family loves me. It’s just so fucking hard to feel like this. To know that everything is over and it not be my decision. I have never felt so fucking close to someone in my entire life and I feel so lost without them. I know I will see them again, but being apart is torture. I just remember how fucking happy I was to see her when she came back. The joy I felt. And now it’s all gone. I would do anything just to hold her again. But it hurts so fucking much that I know she doesn’t want it anymore.

I don’t know what to fucking do with myself. My entire body feels like pins are sticking me, I can’t fucking eat anything without feeling like I’m going to vomit and thinking about the wrong thing makes me start sobbing immediately. No one ever tells you how this is going to feel. All I know is the only time I feel alright is 30 seconds after I wake up, right before it all starts spiraling down again. The worst part is I can’t do anything about it, I know I’m going to feel like this for god knows how long because my fucking heart feels like it’s been ripped out of my chest. I don’t want to feel like this. It’s too goddamn hard. I’m not sure how long it will be until I will be able to let someone in again, because this combined with my depression makes me feel like I’m going fucking crazy, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it to change anyone’s mind. I almost wish there was something that I had done wrong in all of this so there was a fucking answer for why this had to happen in my head. One of the times where I felt truly okay was lying in bed next to her, looking into her eyes or waking up and seeing her there, and I just can’t fucking accept that it’s never going to happen ever again. It fucking hurts whenever I see a picture of her having fun with her friends because I try to do the same thing but nothing feels right. All I even want to do is sleep because it’s the only time that I don’t feel fucking terrible. What did I do to deserve this? Part of me still can’t even comprehend what happened because nothing ever changed for me. Nothing felt different. I don’t get why this happened even when it’s explained to me a million times, because now I have to force myself to fall out of love because she doesn’t want me anymore. This happens every fucking time I get close enough to someone to feel comfortable, they just don’t feel the same way anymore and I’m left  picking up the pieces. I just feel so helpless and weak; it feels like a part of me died, like something is missing now. How do you ever move on from something that you simply loved every part of? Why is there absolutely nothing that I can do that makes me feel any fucking better?

It’s going to be a long time before I ever feel okay again. And I’m so fucking scared because it hasn’t been this bad in years. Just getting out of bed is almost impossible.

I don’t know if it’s even possible to feel any lonelier than I do right now.